Ajolique

Journal

Journey to BECOMING ENOUGH

I can vividly recall when the title for this book first came to me in the middle of the night in 2013. I was in bed desperately crying out to God during one of the darkest periods of my life and hoping to hear just a whisper of guidance on how to press forward while feeling broken, beaten down, and lost. I felt profoundly alone, and relationally, I was.

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Drifting through an arduous season of barren soil and isolation, I continuously grappled with feeling judged and inadequate in my friendships. My ex had just “ghosted” me for the sixth or seventh rotation in a manipulative cycle of committing only to disengage. Financially, I was struggling and found myself working in a negative environment where I was blatantly undervalued. In the wake of all that, years of suppressed trauma and pain climbed to the surface. I was standing in turbid marsh compelling myself to drive one foot in front of the other without sinking below the moss, even though I often wanted to.

At the time, I didn’t give it a name. Even today, I hesitate to qualify that span of my life as depression. I had always naively prided myself on being able to cope with grief, loss, and trauma in a way I thought was healthy, but in reality my coping looked like swallowing my brokenness. I  mastered suppressing my feelings with surprising dexterity, but it’s damn near impossible to ignore your demons when alone in the room with them.

It became increasingly clear that my worth was tied up in everything and everyone outside of myself. What my father, family, friends, and partner thought had the power to completely crush me. And many times, it did. I deeply internalized negative comments from a close friend about my creative worth as well as the criticism family members expressed about the truth in my writing. The words slowed, and writing morphed from a refuge into a source of anxiety.

But the magic and grace of purpose is its lasting imprint on your soul. My intuitive self knows that journeying as a writer and sharing my stories are a large part of why I chose this particular life experience. While I took a break from publicly sharing my writing, the poems and words never ceased wafting through my mind, whispering to begin again.

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So when God gave me the title of my first book, I listened with fear and trepidation, but a receptive ear. I didn't know it would take 5 years to birth. I had no idea it would be the dawn of a new narrative and the death of an old one. I would be pushed to become and unbecome.

The path to BECOMING ENOUGH, both the book and the internal work, has not been easy. The work to unpack the pain often felt monumental. The cost of healing was high and the discomfort would tempt me to quit several times. I knew I had become a willing participant in my disempowerment and in order to move forward, I would have to dismantle the altar I built to external validation. Believing that I am possible and knowing that I am enough has taken years of shedding false beliefs, burning illusive identities to the ground, and intentionally choosing my voice.

I am so proud of this body of work. I am so proud that I pushed through my doubts and fears to birth such a vulnerable + freeing project. It has loved me back to worth. This is a lifelong dream manifested and it fills my whole heart to finally hold these words in my hand. I am incredibly grateful to everyone who gives my book a home in yours.

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